The Olympics remind us. The people we most admire are those who have overcome burdens and hardship. Whether Olympic gymnast Simone Biles early childhood in foster care and more recently a bout with the “twisties,” sprinter Sha’Carri Richardson missing the 2020 Olympics over a failed drug test, “world’s fastest human” Noah Lyles overcoming childhood asthma, or a group of medal winners from war-torn Ukraine – we have seen the magic of being transformed from victim to victor. What grabs us is, despite major burdens and obstacles, effort, determination and resilience can keep us going and help us overcome. Over and again, we see in Olympic athletes on a big stage what we also see in our own lives, out of the limelight at home, work, in our faith – people who somehow transform burdens into a calling – and into fuel for overcoming.
Yet we also see how burdens can destroy. That old saying that what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger – allows for the fact that sometimes our burdens do kill us. So, what distinguishes the response of overcoming burdens to being destroyed by burdens? There are no simple answers, but I think there is much we can learn from observing those who have pulled it off. They start out buried in the pain and then – sometimes in a flash and sometime over time – there is a shift in how they relate to the burden that changes their focus, energizes their efforts and helps them re-imagine the daunting transaction before them as a part of a much larger whole.
Not only is there a change in how they relate to their burdens but often change in their relationships with those around them. It is a helpful reminder that according to linguistic historians, the Latin origin of the word relationship is the word relate or ‘referre’ which means to carry, tolerate or bear. Add the ‘re’ and you get to carry, tolerate or bear – again.
Surely, we have an abundance of burdens these days and their magnitude varies all over the place. Things like death, a medical or mental health or addiction problem, a child in trouble, a financial setback, a key relationship falling apart or ending, political polarization, religious strife and the fear that our country and its institutions are falling apart. Facing our burdens can be overwhelming and draining, regardless of the size or duration.
Let me share an example of someone I know – probably like someone you know – that transformed their burden into a calling. They were a handsome couple living the good life in an east Texas town. Byron Horne had a good job, was a talented musician and member of his church’s music team, great father and grandfather. He was a born entertainer whether it was as BeeRon the Clown for the kids at school and church or his Elvis impersonations that sang people into side-splitting, knee-slapping fun. His wife Dorothy was a first-grade teacher, mother and grandmother and a model of service and giving to her community – pretty inside and out. The perfect couple – until early on-set Alzheimer’s hit him at age 62. As countless families have experienced, it was a slow, dark road to death as this bright glorious light slowly faded over seven years to black. In spite of strong faith, a caring family and a wonderfully attentive community, there was no sugar-coating that could alter the pain and burden of the journey.
Yet, somewhere along the way, something shifted for Dorothy – it did not negate the loss, but rather was additive to the journey. A gifted writer, what started as a letter to the editor of the local newspaper became an “accidental columnist” producing a series of columns which became two books: Glimpses of Grace, Vol. 1: Walking in Hope through Alzheimer’s and Ordinary Days and Glimpses of Grace, Vol 2: And Grace Will Lead Us Home. Her burden became a calling – to share with others who are traveling the same road the pain, possibilities and some hard-earned lessons that inform others passing this way. As a writer, speaker and board member in support of the cause of dealing with Alzheimer’s she was found by purpose that now blesses the world in such a powerful way. And in the process, this calling has been a constant companion that brings meaning to her burden, even lightening it.
Not all of us are transformed into Olympians, authors and celebrities by our burdens. But, all of us can point to examples of challenges and burdens that led to a calling: as small as rescuing a cat; or, the father, who lost his father at age 12, is now a surrogate father to a young 8-year-old; or, the recovering alcoholic who serves as a recovery coach to another. We can also point to burdens that destroyed. I think there are important learnings we can glean that help us avoid being done-in and rather help us choose overcoming.
It’s a funny thing – how we think about burden and hardship. It seems in many ways, we have fallen for the illusion that we should be able to science, tech, AI, medicate, cancel and protect our way out of experiencing hardship. Too often we look for the “easy” button – or, aggrandize victim status. Perhaps we need to spend more effort on resilience that helps us cope with hardship and even to use it to our and others benefit. If you believe in cycles, sooner or later worse gets better and likewise, better gets worse. In fact, often, getting worse is a defining step in getting better. While a life of happiness where things go mostly right, looks very attractive to us and especially for our kids; a life where things go very wrong may make for a life of much deeper meaning. Happiness and meaning are not twins – maybe more like cousins.
Interestingly Jon Haidt, author of New York Times bestseller The Anxious Generation cites extensive research in concluding today’s parents almost obsessive focus on overly protecting our kids – he terms it “safetyism” – has contributed to a significant rise in our kids’ anxiety and depression, and concern for their parents. He cites the gut-wrenching decision he and his wife made to let his 9-year-old daughter walk unsupervised to school in New York City. Their calculation? Attempting to avoid all risk can be very risky.
Maybe we need to think more hopefully about the value of hardship in developing us, our character and our resilience. As Billy Crystal’s character, Mitch Robbins discovers in the movie “City Slickers,” our worst day and our best day – are often the same day. Rudyard Kipling powerfully drives the point home: “If you can meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same…,” – then we have the potential for our burdens to transform us and our purpose via a calling.